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GRIEF AND LOSS
Portraits
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Mark
didn’t know what was the matter—it had been almost two years since
his wife Sue had died and he felt as if nothing had changed. He still
couldn’t believe that she was really gone. After Sue’s accident,
Mark’s friends were supportive and his church had brought meals and
prayed for him, but nothing seemed to help. There were days, more than
he cared to admit, when he wished he had died in the wreck with Sue...
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Tina
couldn’t seem to stop crying. She was angry with herself for letting
her husband move them a thousand miles from "home". She
missed everyone...her church, childhood friends, and especially her
family. She didn’t want to be here and certainly didn’t want to
make friends. The phone bill was huge but she didn’t care. She just
wanted to go back home.
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Rob
got a sick, clenching feeling in his gut whenever he drove past the
hospital. He spent countless days and nights there watching his dad
wither away with cancer. Now, Rob can't shake the ache. His life
revolved around making sure his dad made it...but he didn't. Oh,
God...it's like being crushed from the inside out.
DEFINITIONS
AND KEY THOUGHTS
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Grief
is intense emotional suffering caused by loss.
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Grief
is like entering the valley of shadows...a dark, scary, lonely place.
It's a lingering process, taking one to three years to "come to
grips" with a significant loss. But grief is necessary in order
to deal with it in a healthy manner.
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A
sudden death can be more difficult to grieve because there is no
warning... no chance to say goodbye...no time to prepare for the loss.
-
Grief
is not always about death. It can be faced in a divorce, in the
process of big life changes, etc.
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Grief
is actually a complex set of emotions like anger, deep sorrow,
discouragement and ‘feeling blue’. All are “normal.” Someone
grieving may experience their loss:
- psychologically through
feelings, thoughts, and attitudes
- socially as they interact with
others
- physically as it affects their
health
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Often,
friends don’t know how to help someone grieve. They may try to
“cheer them up” or “get their mind off it.” This can actually
make it worse. The Griever is compelled to feel better rather than
show real emotions. So, she fakes it...or avoids friends altogether.
Either way, her sorrow deepens and healing is hindered.
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Sometimes,
loss is cumulative and awakens memories of early losses that were
never fully grieved.
-
The
grieving may experience intense guilt over unresolved matters. Things
left unspoken...words that can't be taken back. The griever may feel
punished because of that.
-
Anger
and sadness are sometimes projected onto God. He seems distant and
uncaring.
-
Grief
can intensify on special dates. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries...
Stages
of Grief
Grief
can be felt in many different ways in several stages:
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Denial or Shock. Intellectually, the
bereaved understands what happened, but she hasn't felt the pain yet;
she may feel numb.
-
Release of Emotions. Possibly anger toward
others...even God. The bereaved may obsess on memories and withdraw
for a time.
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Guilt and Anger. The bereaved beats
herself up emotionally. She blames herself for the loss and feels
disorganized...unable to move on with life. Depression may set in.
-
Acceptance of the Loss. Reorganizing,
reconnecting, taking on a new role. These are healthy and important
parts of the healing experience. A key part of this process is
learning to feel and express the loss without denial and avoidance.
Grief
is not neatly-packaged! These stages are part of a cycle. The bereaved may
be in more than one stage at a time.
"When
you feel that all is lost, sometimes the greatest gain is ready to be
yours."
—THOMAS À KEMPIS
"Although
loss and grief are common, no amount of technology or experience can make
the grieving process any easier. The hard news is that the only road to
true healing is through the grief process. The good news is that God
travels that road with us."
—H. NORMAN WRIGHT
Yea,
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no
evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
—PSALM 23:4
ACTION
STEPS
1.
Be Patient
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Give yourself whatever time that it takes to heal
emotionally.
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Try to keep a routine, get lots of rest, and don't attempt
too much too soon. Direct your energies toward healing.
2.
Maintain Friendships
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Try to let others share the hurt.
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Don't isolate...stay connected with others.
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Make a list of friends to call.
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Locate
a grief support group.
3.
Feel the Pain
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Intense pain is normal and eventually subsides. It
never totally disappears, but becomes bearable.
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Avoiding the “terrible pain” only prolongs the grief.
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Trying to mask a loss by hiding the feelings causes problems
in other areas—emotionally, spiritually, or physically.
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Dealing with loss in a healthy manner can be a major avenue
to growth and life-transforming change.
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You must move forward. And the way to move on is to grieve.
4.
“Normalize” the Feelings of Grief
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Grief encompasses many changes. It appears differently at
various times, and comes and goes.
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It is a normal, predictable, expected, and healthy reaction
to a loss.
-
Grief is a personal experience and process. Others may
share, but cannot totally bear. And it doesn't matter how minor or
severe it looks to them.
5.
Healing
"We
are healed of grief only when we express it to the full."
—CHARLES R. SWINDOLL
BIBLICAL
INSIGHTS
Then
David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son.
—2 Samuel 1:17
Expressing
sorrow is a healthy response to grief. David poured out his heart in words
that honored the anointed king and his son. Putting grief into words
helps..and is a fitting tribute and honor to the dead.
He
is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with
grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we
did not esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our
sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
—Isaiah 53:3, 4
Isaiah
knew that Christ would suffer. In deepest grief and loss, look to Him and
realize that He understands. He alone can heal the wounded heart.
Jesus
said to us, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me,
though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me
shall never die. Do you believe this?”
—John 11:25, 26
Because
of sin, death comes to all (Romans 5:12–14). Many try to ignore it...not
think or talk about it. But feared or embraced, expected or not, death
strikes. It stirs raw emotion: fear, sorrow, grief, anger, unlimited loss.
Jesus experienced this when His good friend Lazarus died. Christ knows the
pain and uncontrollable sorrow. He felt death's terrible sting.
It's a crushing blow. And she who loves much, grieves much. But in this
agonizing time, take comfort in Jesus' strong, compassionate arms. He
understands.
But
I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have
fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we
believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him
those who sleep in Jesus.
—1Thessalonians 4:13, 14
Believers
have the ultimate life assurance policy! Jesus died, rose again, ascended,
and is coming again; and this time He's bringing friends! (Somebody say
AMEN!) One day, all believers will be reunited in the Reunion of the Ages!
“And
God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more
death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former
things have passed away.”
—Revelation 21:4
Revelation
reveals a better time and place. Grief and loss will not exist...in
Heaven. God promises to “wipe away every tear” and that “there shall
be no more pain.” No matter what we experience down here, God promises a
perfect future "up there"! Trust Him. Hold on now...to this hope
for tomorrow.
In
every pang that rends the heart, the Man of Sorrows has a part.
—MICHAEL BRUCE
PRAYER
STARTER
Lord,
I wish I understood Your thoughts and Your plans, but I admit, sometimes I
just don’t get it. I don’t understand why You would take a loved one
from me. I don’t understand why You would allow this to happen when You
knew what it would do. Yet, Lord, I want to trust You . . .God, help me. |
